It’s been awhile

Once we finally made the decision to close the studio, I promised myself 3 months off to get away from everything and just be with my family. I wanted to use the time to rest, connect and be present with my little ones. My 3 months started in December and now I am ready to come out of my cocoon for spring. We just finished up a year of living here on the farm and we have experienced all the seasons. We found winter to be the most challenging for many reasons, but most of that can be saved for another post. A lot happened over my break sometimes making it feel as if I didn’t have one, but now I fully know why I needed the time away and alone. The highlight of the winter months was having my parents come over and stay with us for Mesias’ Birthday/Christmas. We had so much fun and the kids were so fun to watch as they fully embraced the holiday now. 

The rest of the time was quite challenging for me, in January I found out I was pregnant, I had conceived a beautiful baby girl around Christmas named Ophelia. The story is quite beautiful about how it came to be, so I thought this was what I would share coming back to connectedness with you.

In February of 2019, my grandmother asked me to have another baby so that she could leave her physical form. She thought it would give the family something to look forward to and it would support my mother with her journey of letting go. At that time we were in the thick of no sleep with Violeta, so I kindly declined. I couldn’t imagine not sleeping for another 3-4 years. 

Fast forward to November of 2020, my grandmother had just turned 97 and she was steadily declining, reminding me that she needed my help to move on. Marco wasn’t helping the situation as he kept bringing up a 3rd baby. In December, I declared that I was giving having another baby up to the universe to decide. Well, what do you know, it happened even before the month ended, although I didn’t find out until January. The most amazing thing was this baby was due on my grandmother’s birthday. There were so many signs happening that this baby was here to give my grandmother her wish.

In November I noticed another interesting thing, I kept hearing the name Ophelia everywhere - a song on the radio, a song in the grocery store, a talk show discussing the name, I saw it in writing when I was browsing the internet.  I told Marco that if we did have another baby it would be a girl and she was telling me her name. Once I found out I was pregnant, I looked up the name Ophelia and found that it means spirit helper. I guess this little girl was here to help my grandmother after all.

On February 4th, not long after my grandmother found out I was pregnant, she died peacefully in her sleep. This was a wish we all had for her, while it wasn’t easy losing her, we found solace in how she was able to go. I was in the thick of morning sickness at this time, it was so much worse than either of my previous pregnancies. I was struggling most days to take care of my kids and myself to even grieve the loss of my grandmother.

At 11, weeks I went for my first prenatal appointment and found the baby was only measuring at 7 weeks, I had a miscarriage. It was quite devastated and the grief hit me hard because I was not only grieving her, but finally grieving my grandmother. At times I wasn’t sure who I was crying for and it was the heaviest I had ever felt in my life. I had discovered that the week I was 7 weeks was the week my grandmother died. I truly believe that Ophelia came to help my grandmother’s spirit move on. Knowing this didn’t lighten the pain, but it did help knowing I was able to give my grandmother this gift to let go. She had been suffering for years at this point and had been ready to go for some time. 

As I write this today, I am in a much better place, I am still waiting for this baby to pass, and in fact I have my next appointment today to help me move forward. I will be administered some drugs to help move on. I am ready, I have grieved and I feel at peace now with both my grandmother and Ophelia. Spring is here, today is so nice that I am sitting outside on the porch writing this. It is time for rebirth, time to move forward, time to be fully present in my life instead of thinking about what was and what could have been. I am ready to step into today. Today I am grateful to be aware enough to see the beauty in what has just transpired in my life. 

Updated:

I wrote this post about a month ago and I was ready to post it, but then found the miscarriage to be far more intense than any of the previous ones I had before. So today I am finishing up, the day after Easter, a resurrection of my soul.  Marco and I had decided to not tell the children about Ophelia until the miscarriage completed. Back in the beginning March (this miscarriage took weeks to pass), the night before I was taking my kids to my parents for a week so I could pass Ophelia in solitude, Violeta and I were laying in my bed chatting. She told me, “Mommy the babies are in the sky, I see them at the ceiling. They have this ladder that is going up from your belly to them.” I was floored that my sweet girl could see that the baby had left my belly, but she said babies… how funny. The ladder she was seeing was the energetic cord that was connecting us. 

The children were gone for almost a week when my miscarriage started, I had taken pills to help move the process along and nothing really happened except for passing some blood clots. My parents had to bring them home a few days later, on a Friday. Of course, the day after they came home I woke at 4am on Saturday morning with contractions in my back and stomach. I labored in the tub for 4 hours with them being 90 seconds long, 2 min apart. I passed some tissue and was sure that it had happened. I rested that day and felt ready to move on. Then, I woke the next day at 4am and the same thing happened - 4 hours of labor and contractions, this time passing a large amount of tissue…I thought this was it, right?  Then one week later, with no pain at all, I passed the fetus. It was quite large to be a single baby, hmmm.

I reached out to Carol, my teacher and we spoke about my experience, she told me there were two babies…. just like Violeta saw. There was a boy and a girl. The girl wasn’t strong enough to be here with the energy of the planet, but the boy wanted to be here and he wanted to come back. This was why I had two identical days of labor. I knew after our conversation I would have to bring his sweet soul back and invite a sister to come through with him. My whole family, Marco and the kids were manifesting a boy and a girl. The kids both wanted their own baby and Marco and I had always felt our family would be complete with four children. Now I know why I didn’t post this the first day I wrote it… the story wasn’t complete. With any luck I will get pregnant with twins in a few months and we will have our little family of four. 

We are powerful at manifesting and when a whole family is manifesting towards the same thing…it happens. We beings create all the time, but most of the time we are not aware of the things we create. I witness all the wonderful things (and not so wonderful things) I have manifested in this lifetime. I focus on having awareness to see all the beauty in this physical form of being that I chose to be in.